The lightening struck. The rain

The purpose of this story is to make you want to be friends with the author. Is it good enough yet?  Has he succeeded?  His name is Bob Sanders and he lives at 2624 Wicker Lane, New Haven, CT  04720 and he would love it if you would come by afterwards for a drink or, if you are not the drinking kind, a cup of hot tea or some cocoa.

               The rain fell to the ground. “Heavens to Betsy,” said Betsy 

So just kick back and relax. Bob cannot begin to tell you how excited he is that you chose him over all those other great writers like Shakespeare and Hemmingway you could be reading right now instead of him. What a classy person you are turning out to be!  Bob will do his darndest to live up to your high expectations for him and, in the larger sense, for literature as a whole.

                  said Betsy with a shake of her blonde head,

It goes without saying that Bob here will be as light or as heavy as you like because by golly you are the customer and the customer is always right.

                  a shake of her head that was blonde, 

So if you would like a different noun or verb or whatever then just ask. Bob’s been slaving all day over these nouns and verbs his aim being to please but hey – plenty more where that came from!  No problem. If there’s a word that has been misspelled, then let’s work together to catch it now, early on, before things get even more out of control. Is there an indentation where there should not be an indentation?  Then Bob will have that indentation removed, by force if necessary, and at whatever cost to his own personal vision.

                  Betsy with her blonde hair shaking on her head that was a normal color 

And at no extra cost to yourself. Wow. And without having to rustle up a single word on your own. Lucky for you!  But you deserve it!  Bob is more than happy to give you a well-earned rest while he struggles to provide you with the snappy details and the gruff-but-lovable characters that you have come to expect of him, the quirky down home imagery that is beaten out of him for the sole delight and amusement of …  oops. Bob seems to have more nouns and verbs than he realized. Gracious. Bob has been very tired lately. But Bob is not a complainer.

                  said bald Betsy

Because nobody wants to be friends with a complainer. Friendship is built on trust. And you can trust Bob when he tells you it’s not as glamorous as you think this life of the raconteur. Henry James suffered from bad digestion. Ernest Hemmingway broke three ribs in a plane crash on the African veldt. Bob Sanders can no longer recite his poetry within a hundred feet of the lobby of the Bedford Cineplex or affiliated entities in the State of Connecticut but is Bob Sanders going to let that throw a monkey wrench into the burning fire of his (Bob Sander’s) heart?  In your dreams!

                  Betsy as she ran through the rain. “Wait up, you handsome-looking Detective Sands who only recently became my boyfriend,” she said. Suddenly 

So fasten your seatbelts because here we go.

                “Bang –

If you are a pregnant woman, a person with a heart condition, or a child under 42”, you just might want to step out of line right now before we kick this baby up into overdrive

                  “Bang-Bang!”  Betsy screamed. Detective Sands went crashing through a window 

If you are reading this and happen to be a movie producer that thing about the window breaking don’t be worried. You could get a stunt window and a stunt person so that nobody would get hurt. And an action star like Burt Reynolds would be good in the part of the Detective because he does all his own stunts. That way you save money.

                  as glass went flying everywhere. “Ouch,” said hard-boiled Detective Sands

Sometimes they fly the writer to Hollywood to be there on the set while they make the movie. A good idea, since the writer knows how the words go and could even explain to Burt Reynolds what he (the writer) was thinking during the writing of the story.

                  he said to his humorous sidekick Spongy. “I have just been shot by a bullet and gone crashing through a window.”

Some writers, like Shakespeare or like, say, Bob Sanders for example, have done a little acting in their own spare time and in, like, an emergency, if, say, Burt Reynolds broke his leg or something, they could step right in and do the part themselves. Plus they already know what happened in the story. A double savings!

                  “Goodness gracious,” said Spongy humorously,

So you’re wondering would Bob object to the using of for instance his likeness on the billboards for the movie the answer would be no if it was done out of friendship and not Hollywood type friendship either but real friendship. For a friend Bob would be more than happy to visit the TV talk shows and such to share humorous anecdotes about the movie, the book, the writing process, hopes and dreams and wishes and so forth. And as far as a limo for the Oscars and all go, not to worry. Good old Bob Sanders would just as soon drive his own self in his own beat-up old down-home car and if you ask why, because that’s the kind of guy he is is why.

                  “Ouch is right, you hard-boiled, brown-haired, six-foot two-inch detective, you,” said Spongy jokingly

Though that not happening till the movie was done,

                  to the Cleveland-born Detective Sands, 

which depending on the book being done

                  an ’87 graduate of Sandusky Community College

being depending on the individual sentences

                  with a degree in Animal Husbandry

like this one

               and a minor in 

making it to the end without running out of the stuff that goes into them in the first place, meaning

                  Detectiving.

words. Mercy. Talk about a pressure. But a good pressure in Bob’s case a fun pressure Bob being a fun-loving free-wheeling kind of guy. Creativity is Bob’s middle name. Carpe Deum!  Just think of the words in all the other stories that Bob has already produced, like that one about the man drinking the cup of coffee and trying to get it to just the right amount of cream on the inside. You liked that story, didn’t you?  Go back and look at that story. Compare the two stories. Do you think that there has been a falling off in Bob’s talent?  Maybe he was never very good to begin with. Maybe he should go back to the job in the hardware store. Is this what it would take to make you happy?

              Bang!  The owner of the hardware store clutched his breast and crumpled to the

Oy vey!  Sakes alive. Cowabunga. It would be very easy for Bob to say “Go on, charge on, charge on ahead and gallop right over the feelings of Bob Sanders. You are a daring and artistic soul. Please do not bruise the tip of your finger as you reach for another toasted cheese puff.”  It would be easy to say that but Bob not is going to say that because Bob is a peach of a guy.

                  ground. Down to the ground he crumpled as Detective Sands

A peach of a guy just warning you not to be fooled by friends who pretend to be friends but bail when you need them the most.

good old Detective Sands along with Spongy and his (Detective Sand’s, not Spongy’s) girlfriend Betsy jumped into their fancy racecar to racecar themselves away from the broken glass in the other sentence and onto the hardware store, just in time to catch the pretty checkout girl

So be careful. You’ve gotten (those of you who are innocent) a warm feeling these last few paragraphs we’ve been together. But life is more than a warm feeling. A bunch of words on a page is no substitute for love. And what good is a warm feeling if you’ve got nobody to get warm and feely about?  So snap out of it.

                  standing over the body with a smoking gun in her hand. “Come with me,” commanded Detective Sands

You don’t want to grow old and die all alone, now do you?  Goodness gracious. There’s a great big old world out there just full of people wanting to be your friend. So get cracking!

                  “Me. Come with me,” commanded Detective Sands commandingly. “Like on a date?” said the attractive slim-figured hardware checkout girl to

 “But I don’t know how to make friends,” you say. “I am so pathetic.”  Don’t be silly. If you were to start, say, with somebody you already know (like say Bob Sanders), then you could just write them a letter to say how much you are liking whatever it is you happen to be doing this moment an example being, say, reading this story by

                  the ruggedly handsome detective

Bob Sanders.

In the letter you could say how anybody who managed to come up with such attractive nouns and verbs and stuff must also probably be an attractive person in the physical sense, direct and in person. In the letter you could say how refreshing it is to come across a writer who is so open and personable. Remember, on the printed page, Bob may not seem to be such a vividly realized character, but in person you would find him much more concrete and specific than anybody could have expected. Even more so.

“Yes, yes – a date,” said the ruggedly handsome detective as he swept her up into his rugged arms and gave her a big kiss. “Wow!” said girlfriend number one to girlfriend number two, “another extra girlfriend for my boyfriend Detective Sands!”

Gosh. And if you were a letter and your car was an envelope, you could just up and mail yourself to 2624 Wicker Lane exit 27 off I-75 south!  Wouldn’t that be something?

                  Up into his other arm she jumped, the one not holding the pretty checkout girl. “You are just too much man for one woman!”

If you get here and Bob doesn’t answer, come right on in anyway and make yourself at home. The key is under the garden gnome with the wheelbarrow, over to the left of the mailbox. There’s a carafe of pasteurized orange juice in the fridge, cups in the cabinet above the sink. Help yourself to any snacks (the tropical fruit and nut mix is particularly good) and feel free to peruse Bob’s collection of 1930’s roadside diner placemats.

                  “Three cheers for Detective Sands,” cheers the crowd. The Pope looks down from his balcony and waves. Even though he is wounded, Detective Sands

If you are a publisher (or would like to be one), feel free to check the second drawer from the bottom of Bob’s dresser where you can find his unpublished poems, notes, hopes, wishes and dreams. Help yourself!  What a surprise it will be when Bob finds his work suddenly appearing in print!  And in your magazine!

                  still manages, though wounded, seriously wounded, to throw chocolates to the busload of orphans pulling up to the crime scene. “Look at that arm,” exclaims Hall of Fame Orioles third baseman

Bob’s dog Scooter will be delighted to lick your hand and scamper gaily round your pant cuffs because any friend of Bob’s is a friend of Scooters. If you are the appropriate gender (entirely your decision Bob not being one to pressure) feel free to slip into something comfortable, pour yourself a glass of wine, and drape yourself seductively across the Barco-lounger to wait for Bob to 

ejaculates Hall of Fame Orioles third baseman Cal Ripkin, Jr. admiringly: “Hell of an arm!”  “Good work, Sandy-man,” barks gruff Police Commander Sean Connery co-starring Harrison Ford as Spongy. Suddenly

to pop up, for Bob to pop up. Or slip into the kitchen bake him a hot apple pie an apron slung over your shoulder to wipe the crumbs from his cheek when

                  the wounded Detective Sands crumples to the ground. How brave of him to make it even this far. The girlfriends scoop him up into their four breasts and carry him up the steps to

wipe the crumbs, wipe the crumbs from his cheek when he finally arrives. If you’re unpacking your suitcase in the front bedroom you might want to lay out your socks and underwear on the bed first

                  the podium where General Douglas MacArthur presents the Congressional Medal of

so that you’ll be more comfortable. If you’re giving birth don’t hesitate to kick back on the comfy Appalachian quilt because gosh don’t you think you deserve it after all

                  Medal of Honor to the brave but just about practically dying Detective Sands who refuses saying

after all you’ve been through. And if the baby just happens to turn out to be,

                  “Aw, shucks, Mother Teresa. Here – you deserve this more than me.”  The orphaned children cheer. The cameras flash. The crowd shouts

if it just so happens that it turns out to be Bob Sanders, do not be shy about introducing yourself

               “Bob Sanders!  Bob Sanders!  Bob Sanders!”

he is crying pick him up

                  shouting “Bobbie-Bob-Bob!”

lift him up

                  as they lift him up

carry him off

                  on their shoulders

to take him

                  raise him

home with you

                  up saying 

raise him up

                  Bobbie oh Bobbie sweet baby a baby

as your

                  of my

very

                  very

very

                  own.